albadger | You're the best tour group I've ever had. And I mean that.

The most terrifying moment of my life wasn't a car wreck, or a robbery at gunpoint, but a quiet conversation. Sometime in the 1970's, my mother said to me, "We made fun of your grandparents for liking Lawrence Welk, but if you give him a chance, he's not bad!" And I thought... will this happen to me someday?

Why am I thinking about this right now? Simple. I'm on a cruise ship. The Holland America Statendam. I've been going to the evening shows. And I'm starting to... enjoy them...

Haven't posted since Lima because Precious Internet Minutes ("buy 250 minutes for only $100!"). I've been diving in for email retrieval, but a single photo-free blog post should fit in my self-imposed quota. Want details? Click on the thing.

My first cruise ever, and it's long -- 15 days from embarkation in Peru to, uh, expulsion in San Diego. 7 of those days are "at sea," so you'd need a gregarious nature to make the most of it. They have constant events -- lectures, cooking demos, evening shows -- and if you want the better dining, you have to share your table with strangers. And make small talk. It goes without saying that I'm spending my time memorizing lines for a play.

"Constant" is within the confines of the ship day -- nothing before 8:00 AM and nothing after 11:00 PM. The last restaurant closes at 10PM. After that, you are supposed to go to bed like a respectable old person.

I am turning 60 at the end of this month. I am not an old person. I am a YOUNG person. This is an interesting and not altogether comfortable sensation.

The other half of the cruise is of course the ports of call, so far being:
1. Manta, Ecuador, where I bought a hat;
2. Punta Arenas, Costa Rica, where we saw crocodiles;
3. Corinto, Nicaragua, which had the sexiest tour guide and
4. Puerto Quetzal, Guatemala, where I was overwhelmed by the inequity and cruelty of human existence.
Two Mexican ports remain, but, hey, Mexico, really.

And the shows... "Encore! Songs You Remember", "The clean family comedy of Lee Bayless," "Swing Era Jazz with a 21st Century Twist," etc. No Hip-Hop or Death Metal on the whole damn cruise. Wonder why.

But yeah, live and close-up, the performers really are excellent, even if the arrangements tend towards bland and the song stack peters out by 1976. But a person whose favorite musical genre is Italian opera between the years 1827 and 1853 can hardly complain about that.

Oh, yes. Code Red. They issued many warnings before docking at Manta about the local food, warnings that were ignored by some... and ever since, the poor crew has been working double shifts, sanitizing the bannisters, squirting sanitizer into the hand of passers-by, grinding out salt onto diners' food. Every potential source of infection has been removed, so no salt shakers, no self-serve laundry, no open buffet. If you want the daily sudoku or trivia contests, you can't just pick them up, the librarian hands them to you. With tongs.

I sound like I'm complaining; I'm not. But I don't think I'm getting into the spirit of cruising the way I should be. I'll probably do this again (at least to get Alaska onto my punch card) but I can't imagine making a life of it, the way some of the passengers have. And you do not want to play trivia against them, they're cut-throat.

I say that, but I do have 3 trivia-contest pins. [Smiles smugly]