And we'll abolish the Screenplay Oscars, because nobody in Hollywood can read.

[albadger]

I've been threatening you with my Oscar picks for ages! I did want to wait until official voting was closed, so as not to affect the outcome, but screw that, we're gonna go back anyway and set things right.

• Best Supporting Actress: You're going to want to vote for Gloria Grahame in Crossfire for the year 1947. Celeste Holm actually wins, but she seems to be a cold-hearted bitch in real life, so we don't want to reward her -- and if you pick Grahame this time, then she will get fewer votes in 1952, when she actually does win, allowing the correct winner that year -- Jean Hagen in Singing in the Rain -- to triumph instead.
  


• Best Supporting Actor: Got to go with Basil Rathbone in If I Were King, 1938. Did you actually see Kentucky, which "boasts" Walter Brennan's actual winning performance? Horrible movie, and the worst thing Brennan ever did. Anyway, Walter won 2 years ago and will two years from now. Ew. Now, if Rathbone takes the prize instead, this may help him fight the pull of alcoholism and despair that ruined his life and led to, well, this.
  


• Best Actress:We're gonna go back to 1954 for this one, and give the Oscar to Judy Garland, just to see the look on Grace Kelly's stupid monkey face.


• Best Actor: Complicated, but trust me: Robert Donat for the Citadel from 1938. This will moot the following domino trail:
  
  
  1. Spencer Tracy wins lead actor Oscar for Boys Town, and he isn't even the lead, Mickey Rooney is; Academy immediately regrets this.
  
  
  2. Robert Donat wins for 1939's Goodbye, Mister Chips as a sop; Academy immediately regrets this.
  
  
  3. James Stewart, who should have won in 1939 for Mister Smith Goes to Washington, wins consolation Oscar for the Philadelphia Story the next year; Academy immediately regrets this. Eventually.
  
  
  4. Henry Fonda, who should have won for the Grapes of Wrath in 1940, wins for 1981 sentimental goo On Golden Pond, leaving poor Dudley Moore to go to his grave un-Oscared.
  
  
  5. Also, Fonda's win in 1981 vacuumed up his co-star Katherine Hepburn, who upset perceived front-runner Meryl Streep, who -- had she won that year -- would probably not have been given a Career Achievement award for 2011's ghastly the Iron Lady, and Glenn Close would have finally taken home the gold, not that Close shouldn't have already for Dangerous Liaisons, which I will grant you has nothing to do with any of the preceding.
  
  
  So, yeah, Robert Donat in 1938.


• Best Director: Just vote for Howard Hawks. Doesn't matter if he's on the ballot. Do it.


• Best Picture: I don't understand this category. Wouldn't the Best Picture in any given year be the same as it was the year before unless (an off chance) a better movie was made in the last 12 months? I mean, seriously... King Kong is the Best Picture until Road House, and then Road House is the Best Picture until Adam Sandler. Why have the same argument every year? It gets old.

So, there you have it, my advice on casting your Oscar ballot. The machinery we'd need to get back to the correct years does consume the energy of three small suns, but you have to decide where your priorities lie, don't you?

Comments

[albadger.livejournal.com]

Indeed -- and (with due respect for Jodie) Glenn should have won the Oscar. I wonder if the horrible miscasting of Malkovich sank her chances? [ducks to avoid book thrown at head by Malkovich fan]

[progbear.livejournal.com]

He was, however, perfectly cast in Being John Malkovich.