I'm getting good at this

So, lemme esplain a little here: I'm currently appearing in Fringe of Marin, a twice-yearly program of short original plays. I scream at my wife for 10 minutes and suddenly die. I'm in Program 1, and I haven't seen Program 2 yet, so I thought, I'll drive up there to see the Program 2 matinee on April 27. Well, yeah, there isn't one, which I didn't notice until I was in San Rafael. But it's okay, I went shopping! Because I have a $100 credit at Macy's. Why do I have that? Lemme esplain. I don't answer phone calls from 800 numbers, or 877 or 888 or 866 or 855 numbers -- especially 855 numbers -- but I do google them if they call me. The 877 number I got a call from last week googled out as "Macy's Collection Department." Why would they call me, I wondered? Do I owe them anything? I did buy a suit there recently, did I pay that off? I couldn't find a bill anywhere in my squalor clutter. Well, heck, I thought, better safe, so I sent them a hundred bucks just to be sure. Then yesterday I got a Macy's bill in the mail. Said I owed them a Minus 100 bucks.

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To put this in context, I am planning on transporting the brain that did these things to Germany for a week. I bought a money belt!